Yesterday was a brilliant day. I like to give presents more than take them. It maybe sounds strange but its really true. I like to see sparkles in the eyes when someone takes a present accidentally without any excuses and reasons only because she or he is in the world. It is fucking awesome and …sure, look on the bright side, I totally understand sometimes it looks strange to get presents from a person who only works with you.
I feel something but I am afraid to confess myself that my efforts and my pressure would have not got the result what I expect. It is my old habit – try to achieve something what I definitely want but II know in advance that this will be a disastrous idea, but still, I am confused to achieve the aim, so that it does not. And what is most surprising, the pain, my mental pain, of awareness of failure will be stronger at the end of the way than at the moment when I already realize the awareness of the failed idea, but I continue to realize it and strive for it with demonic strength.
Let’s give you a short example: when I was young I always dreamt about a new ice-hockey skate. I was drawing them, painting and so on. It was in USSR when there was a lack of goods and I and my family didn’t have any chance to buy them for me. But I was trying to find the skates again and again: I was asking everywhere and my friends…and surprisingly, my brother found them. His classmate was selling a new pair of skates and my parents bought them me. I was very happy!
I have to look on the bright side, It is very difficult to achieve what you really want. Sometimes my wishes are extremely difficult to get or achieve, and I know, I will be feeling absolutely depressing mental state when I don’t achieve the aim, I will be completely destroyed. It’s my nature but it will be in the future not now. How many times I have been trying to escape this mental traps of my wishes but I couldn’t.
Now I feel I am again in the trouble of my mental traps and the issue can dramatically destroy a lot of my perspectives, dreams, wishes and future, and in additional, my relationships. I constantly analyse and scroll through scenarios of my nearest future and I cannot find the answers on my questions which I ask myself every fucking day. That mental or brain turnaround makes me crazy and I have to defeat of double troubles.